::A talk and a party and a weird hour of TV
2:43 a.m. - 2004-05-22
Yesterday, round about this time (or possibly a couple of hours earlier), I kind of had it out with GuyGuy. (By the way, how weird is it that he's guestbook sign number 69 in my book?) If I've talked to you personally in the past week, you know why we were having that talk. I haven't really expounded upon it in the public part of my journal (a) because he's been known to read it and I didn't want to say anything until I was sure about how I felt, and (b) because it just doesn't seem right to go off here without discussing it with him first.
But, as we've now had a discussion (of sorts), I'll tell you what's been on my mind.
Below is the message I sent him. A couple of the sentences (which I've markes with *asterisks* in this draft) were deleted in his copy, mostly because I thought they were a little bit harsh, and not really relevant, and I didn't want to hurt him or anger him unnecessarily. Anyway, here we go:
"Tuesday night was kinda weird, I'll admit. And I apologize for not talking to you about it, but I've never been good with conversing over difficult stuff. *Especially when I�m not getting much help from the other end. The written word, on the other hand...I can rock the writing.
Anyway, here's the thing. Our first date went well, yeah. But it also kinda scared me. Going there, or even thinking about going there, just made me realize how ready I'm NOT for a 'casual' relationship right now. I mean, it felt like I was getting felt up by a stranger. I didn't like that feeling at all. And I tried to make it go away, but at the end of it, that feeling was still there.
No matter how much we've talked and how much we feel like we might know each other, the truth is that we don't. We've met two times. Just two. And in those two meetings, I've realized how much I don't know you. And you don't know me. Beneath the surface where you understand where I�m coming from a lot of the time�underneath that, when you don�t get my movies and explain your jokes to me whether I get them or not, *and listen to Kanye West and then complain about all the things that are bad about today�s music (not that I think Kanye West is necessarily bad�but it�s an example, and our musical tastes don�t coincide all that much at all), and where I don�t feel comfortable talking to you about anything because I feel like you�re less listening and more wondering when we can go back to my place, and the part where we have a lot more in common on paper than we do in practice. That was a run-on sentence with no end, wasn�t it? Anyway, the point is, I think what happened the first time we went out was kind of a fluke. I�m really not ready for that without REALLY knowing the other party. And the kind of knowing that we know right now, it isn�t really knowing. It�s false knowledge.
So I guess what I�m trying to say is, I don�t think we should see each other. I�m not as up for this 'casual' thing as I thought I could be, and there�s no time to start anything else. I�m leaving in five days, after all. Do I think that, if there were time, it could work? I honestly don�t know. But, since the circumstances are the way they are�I guess we won�t find out any time soon."
Basically, after that we talked for a while. He told me he understood (although I'm not sure he really did...tough to tell), and that he was hurt and angry and sad and blah blah upset-cakes. So he hemmed and hawed around that for a while. When he looked at me, he "saw beyond all that" awkwardness and what all, the fact that we don't really know each other and whatever else.
All in all, the talk was less than satisfying. Not entirely because it ended rather abruptly when my laptop battery went dead (stupid foot unplugged the thing on the floor...didn't notice until it was too late) and when I got back on...he wouldn't say anything, which could have been from some sort of malfunction on the part of my visibility or whatever.
Either way, I think there is more to be said. I don't want him to hate me or to think that I've "fucked him over" or whatever. So, in case you happen to be GuyGuy...that's what I think.
In other news, did anyone catch the season finale of Joan of Arcadia?
That shit was fucked up.
Okay, I should go now. I've been at Lara's birthday party for the past many hours...and I have a lot to do tomorrow...or today, depending on your perspective.
Paca!
